It't one of those days for me. I am typing this while on the verge of not only tears...but serious emotional breakdown.
I have been away from home now for 11 years. REALLY? Yes...it does not seem possible...like only yesterday I was heading to MeiMeis with Mom on a crisp Fall Saturday morning. Maybe it's that it's Fall..I don't know.
I want to be able to go with my Mom to the Mall. Or to get Coffee. I want to sit down and play Rummy with Dad. Talk about music or current events with Squire. None of these things are completely out of reach when I am there...so it's not like it can NEVER happen, but there is a deeper question lingering in my mind.
Have I finally been gone SO long that even my own family does not long for this like I do? My last trip home was like none before it...it was odd. For one thing I was VERY sick....so maybe that is it. I am sure anyone reading this knows just how much I love my family...but Kevin (after holding me during my depressed cries about the trip) said something that shook my world: He said "Chelsea...I..WE (he and kids) ARE your family". Wow..even as I type this I am not quite ready to deal with how I feel about that. TO say I am 'fiercly' protective of my loved ones in NC is to put things mildly. HOWEVER...I am a happily married woman and like it or not we currently reside in OH.
On the horizon for us has always been to move to NC and I still want that to happen. We took this year to keep Xavier enrolled in the programs around here knowing we had the momentum going and wanting to to the BEST for him that we could...but I wonder. Is it too late? Will home ever truly be the same? I know and do not ever doubt the love that is shared between Mom, Dad, Squire & I...butI can't help but to worry. I am a Virgo if ever there was one, LOL. Just ask Mom abou the times they don't answer the phone!
I don't want ANY distance between us....in all the ways that count.
TOLD YOU I WAS IN A PENSIVE MOOD!
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3 comments:
I love you. Just wanted you to know. I called you the first night I read this and I could feel your heart hurting, and it made me sad. Just wanted to make sure you are ok.
Tammy...you are so so so sweet to worry! Check out my new entry for some clarification. I DO miss home and my family so much, but I am ok. Love, Chelsea
I miss you more than you will ever know.....sometimes I feel like I don't have any children because their either "gone" or live in another state. I don't want to get my hopes up because I am so afraid I will be disappointed. I would love for you to live here, or even for me to live there if I had money. Life just isn't fair, but I really wanted you to have a good time when you were home. I guess it just doesn't happen. I have quit trying to convince everyone that I love them. You should really know that by now. I would give you the moon if I could.
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